She will murder me for telling you this. However, Mildred, my best friend, confidante, house mate and champion knitter has prepared herself for winter. Mildred comes from the Midlands of England where the winters are long and hard. The people there are slightly superstitious still and believe that making a proper preparation for the season of inclement weather is essential to good health. Accordingly today has been something of a trial for me.
After a hearty fried breakfast of sausage, bacon, eggs, mushrooms, tomatoes, fried bread AND toast Mildred commenced her winter ritual.
I ran her a hot bubble bath and helped her wash herself all over. Then we got her thoroughly dried; then the fun began. When I was a girl there was a heavyweight boxer named Henry Cooper that used to advertise Brut after shave - "The great smell of Brut". Well today we had the great smell of goose grease! Liberally applied to freshly bathed 60 something woman I can vouch that it does not have alluring olfactory properties. In fact it PONGS! Once she was liberally covered in the mixture we put Mildred into a pair of old fashioned mens long underpants and a thick woollen vest that buttoned up to the chin. Then she put on her skirt and blouse followed by three cardigans! Heavy ribbed tights and her stout black boots she is ready for anything that the winter weather can throw at her. However, we are not yet quite finished. You will know that without proper ear protection the winter wind can cause chronic pain in the head. The ages old remedy for this is spring onions! Where our forefathers acquired such things in winter I do not know. However, our local supermarket obliged and we carefully inserted one in each ear. Mildred now sits here before our coal fire glowing gently giving off a distinct smell of roasting meat and hearing with great difficulty. Only another four months to go! Anyone got a gas mask they can lend to me please?
No comments:
Post a Comment